Inspired by life and The Book of Lamentations.
And so it ends. And so it begins.
We enter a season that will only hurt all. Each other. Our child. Our families.
The loss engulfs me in dread. I put a brave face on it for my child, but inwardly, I quake. There's a hollowness in my soul and lead on my chest; from task to task, an effort to persevere. I age. This year will steal five.
There's the loss of the other; that is obvious, but there's the loss of the family. Christmas mornings, now empty. Game nights, played out. Laughter, no more. The singing, unanswered. The banter, now silent.
My mother-in-law, so good to my child, ripped from my life. My own aging mother, who benefited the gift of the other, now left to me alone to aid. All while I drown in a sea of un-shared responsibility, anguish, shame, doubt and regret.
The next year is to be hell. One I share no small part in inviting. I see the justice. I feel remorse for my failings. Perhaps God is vengeful, after all.
People I love, rely on me; my sole reason to push on, even as the cause seems beyond hope. Reinvent our lives. Make them warm, happy and love-filled for my child. Make it less lonely for me.
God, see my heart. Know my regret. Feel the love I have to give. Help me make amends and learn to live well. I can't believe you would put me here to fail. The clock is running and more deserving than I, require me to be a better man. Please help me.
I do not believe God is vengeful; nor, necessarily, benevolent. God bestowed upon us Free Will... such that, we share equal responsibility for our own actions and choices. We are, all too often, distracted by the pursuit of short-term happiness and neglect to invest in our long-term sustainability. God will not give you any more than you can handle but sometimes he leaves it up to you to determine if the weight you bear should be yours alone or does it press so hard that it pushes you to find a shared solution.
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